I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
