Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
