He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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