I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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