Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
