I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
