Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
