Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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