would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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