anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
