I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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