How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize
