i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
