The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
