I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
