Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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