so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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