You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
