The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
