i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
