I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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