I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Randomize
