When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
