I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
