I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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