I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
