I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
