Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You ruined the universe
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
