I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
