Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
