I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
