A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
