Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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