Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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