Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
