I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
