Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
