he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
