Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
