he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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