Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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