She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
please come you make the beer taste better
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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