I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
