your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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