so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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