OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
