I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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