I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
