My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
