Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
