goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
